真正的大不敬是不尊重别人所信仰的的神。
快乐的情感是来源于与不好的事的对比，而快乐本身并没有任何意义。
绝不要和愚蠢的人争论，他们会把你拖到他们那样的水平，然后回击你。
问题不是蠢人特别多，而是闪电都没有准确击中每一个。
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than the ones you did.So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. （注：这句说话被部分人质疑不是由马克·吐温所说的。）
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Every one is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Though love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a century.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
Ingersoll's story of the man that went down from heaven on a reduced-rate excursion ticket good for 30 days --- and tried to sell his return ticket.
When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he doesn't know.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteencenturies, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?（From Jane Lampton Clemens）
There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it.
India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.